Windows

I love the windows in my apartment. Don't get me wrong. They're dirty. I need to clean them, but sometimes I question whether or not I have the "elbow grease" to get the job done. I feel like the dust is caked on from years of using window air conditioning units. I still try. There is something completely satisfying about having clean windows. 

I digress… the thing I love about these windows is their age. The house I live in was built in 1915 and I'm pretty sure these windows are original. They let cold air through the panes on chilly days like today. Days perfect for afghans and records. For reading books that are really old friends. They're warped windows. There's a little… flutter if you will… that makes what you see outside just a little bit off. And it's beautiful. The changing leaves and bare branches are just a little bit prettier because of them. 

I really wouldn't change them for anything (although I would still wish for central heat/air!) if you stop by, please forgive the dust on my windows; I think it's a century old ;)

The Most Peaceful Time

It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm just about at my favorite time in my routine. At least the routine that I'm attempting. Staying up late and allowing myself to create what "normal" is for my work hours. 

Get home from work, watch about an hour of tv and de-stress (sometimes his will be at the gym), do some light tidying, shower so I'm not rushing in the morning, and now. Everything is done. The only sound is the sound of my window unit air conditioner. Occasionally I'll quietly play a record or two; most nights I'll spend some time reading. 

There's something perfect in this hour. The whole house is quiet and if the light in my reading nook is off because I'm reading my kindle instead of a physical book (not tonight!) the only light comes from the glow of a street light. Even looking outside has peace to it. 

As I soak into this routine, I'm thankful that God has gave this time to me. 

Everyone needs a little peace. 

Just Don't Say It To Me

I very often get told to say no more often. To make more time for myself. To spend some time taking care of me or else I'll "be no good to anyone else". 

All great advice. Truly. As an introvert I CRAVE the time alone as a time to reenergize and restore depleted energy. It's not that I don't love spending time with my friends, I really do, it's just that being around people can often exhaust me. And the small talk I make all day on the phone wears me out. Here's the problem:

Everyone wants me to make more time for myself, but that often times feels like a "say no more often, just not to me". 

Where is the line drawn? Who's feelings do I hurt? How do I say no often times to my closest friends? They're my depth conversations. The people I can actually connect to in a conversation about much much more than the weather or football. But they most often fall into my "spare time"

It's an effort. A making time because I care. A staying up until all hours of the morning because that's when stillness can exist. A sometimes being tired at work in order to carve out time to do some sewing or work on a quilt. A work in progress. 

I know it will take time. Balance always does. But until them, friends, know that I'm trying. That I care. And that email and text messages are always an option (and something I find non-invasive). I'm sorry if feelings get hurt, but I can't just bottle myself up anymore and pretend like my "me time" doesn't matter. I'll figure it all out… I'll even figure out gym time, too ;)

Making an Apartment a Home

I've lived in my current place since September and I've yet to put up art and make it a home. The utilitarian curtains that belong to either the former tenant or my landlord are still up in the kitchen and living room and I have yet to really organize everything to my liking (I'm thinking about changing where my couches currently exist?). This past Saturday I was in this really weird place. I wanted to be a hermit and started getting a migraine and just didn't want contact with the outside world and at some point I thought, "I just need to do something for me". So I did...

I took down Christmas stuff and got it all stored away, in the process I got all of the other curtains that lived in my front closet (an absurd amount!) and got them all folded and boxed and out of my way; glad I did, too... I found the curtain rods for the bathroom! Then I finally finished unpacking my suitcases from Christmas and putting all of that stuff up and got my living room all arranged... then I refinished ottomans I've have for close to 5 years?!?

I bought fabric to recover with in August! Before I even moved in, but after I knew what my (new to me) furniture looked like... want to see them?

They need some more staple-gunning to the bottom, but I'm SO happy with how they turned out!!

Next up? New hand stamped curtains for the living room (and maybe kitchen?)... maybe this weekend ;)

Thankfulness

Every other year my parents come to visit me for Thanksgiving. The other years I normally just stay home. Alone. Watch the parade… make a smaller version of a Thanksgiving meal for myself. Maybe go to a movie with friends… or by myself. This year I got myself invited to GA to have a Thanksgiving meal with family & I'm so glad I did! I wish I had done this years ago, but with my old work schedule it just never seemed to work out. I'm determined to go down again sometime in the spring & go fishing (I haven't fished since at least high school!)

Over the past couple of years several of my cousins and I have commented on how awesome it is that we're not just cousin's anymore, but truly friends. I really love catching up with them and  hearing about life. I'm in awe of the perfect for them spouses (really I could just say husbands since I have almost all female cousins and the 1 guy isn't married yet!) that God has provided... and I love that closeness that makes us make sure others will be there when there is any kind of family function; just so we can hug and see each other face to face.

In light of all this, here's a short-ish list of things I am thankful for this year...

1. Luke 2:7 - And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger,
2. My Mom & Pops
3. My Brothers & SIL's
4. My Niece & Nephews
5. My Aunts and Uncles (all of them!)
6. My Cousins (& Cousin-in-law's)
7. My friends near and far who are really extensions of my family.
8. My Church Family (from churches past & present)
9. My Coworkers (aka My Work Family)

I'm so thankful for the family I've been given whether I was born with them in my life or not. I am so very blessed.

What Do You Mean I Haven't Been Blogging?

There has been a lot of turmoil and emotion... and emotionless... I don't know if I want to talk about it...I've been playing photographer again, however, and I just really love this image. Congratulations Graduates, I hope you get some rest this summer...

Diagnosis: Rosacea

I don’t know what to say. I’ve been processing this for the last month since I was officially diagnosed, but really for a few months before that. A few months spent (correctly) self diagnosing my Rosacea.

The processing involved disbelief and anger and a lot (A LOT) of tears. I finally pulled myself together (let’s be honest… I’m still pulling myself together) and finally made a doctor’s appointment to get diagnosed.

Basically Rosacea is a skin rash. Red and flushing… sometimes bumps that unfortunately look like pimples… I started questioning my own vanity… That was hard for me. I’m that girl that will go to a grocery store right after a hard workout or still wearing pj’s on a Saturday. I almost never wear make-up… I’m really comfortable with that. But here I am with a diagnosis of a skin issue that will cause me to look red, flushed… all of the sudden I became an emotional wreck. I started thinking about getting back into the swing of everyday makeup and overcompensating for the red.

I cried and I cried… Then I started talking to my mom more and asking for more advice (and got some amazingly encouraging emails). I started researching and learning. The person in me who prefers organic foods and homemade cleaning supplies got excited at the thought that it can be at least mostly controlled by avoiding food and environmental triggers… I really don’t like taking pills… the Chicagoan in me started mourning pizza.

So today is day one; my first day of starting an elimination diet. Trying to determine my food triggers and get rid of them, hoping that I won’t have to take medication on a regular basis, knowing that it won’t be easy.

Time to learn what real discipline is…..

Better Every Time

Tonight I went to see the movie of Les Miserables a second time. I saw it with my parents on Christmas Day and tonight with friends. All of us had seen it prior to tonight... all of us knew what we were "getting in to".

I thought since I had seen it that it wouldn't really effect me the same way. The first time I saw it, I cried. Starting with Anne Hathaway's singing of I Dreamed a Dream and continuing throughout the movie. Same with tonight. I just find the whole movie to be such a beautiful story of grace and redemption...

Seeing the conflicting Valjean and Javert stories... Grace vs. Law...

We're reading through the Bible as a church over the next two years and right now we're in Genesis (and Psalms) but I know we're not far away from the laws of the Hebrews... the rules and specifications, the do's and don'ts... the ways you had to live.

I'm so grateful for Grace. I am so thankful for Jesus Christ. I'm so thankful for the grace I am shown daily. It's hard sometimes... a lot of times... to show grace to others, I struggle with it often. But I have been so convicted daily to show the grace to others that I receive.

I fail, but grace is there... I don't ever fear of it being taken away from me. I hope you share that peace.

2013 Me Time

My life gets hectic... I let it happen... So much so that I tend to put "Have a Me Day" for once a month on any kind of a New Years Resolution.

Not that I make New Years Resolutions.

This year I'm claiming more time. I'm still going to spend time with friends, but God is doing a lot in my life and I need to focus more on my time with Him (which really is my time for me, too). I'm going to be putting God first...

man... how many times have I said that.....

Sorry, friends, if I'm not completely accessible... I feel like that's already starting... but I'm claiming week nights in the name of gym time and reading time (I'm really looking forward to some challenging books; including the Bible!).

I love you all, I just love God more =o) which is how it should be... and like I prayed on Sunday in our prayer service at church, I really pray that this is the year I stop running from the fear of all I know God is calling me to; and I instead turn and run into His arms with hope for my future.

Praying for you, too, friends as this New Year has started....

My Heart Aches

I don't talk about adoption a lot here... I know I've mentioned it a few times here and there over the last couple of years, but adoption is something that God has given me a heart for.

For children that will be adopted and their families who can't wait to be together with them and for the people that will support those families (weather financially or prayerfully or however).

Today my heart aches. I woke up to read the news that Russian President Vladimir Putin has signed a bill into law that bans American families from adopting from Russia. I can't imagine the pain and the hurt that families are feeling, especially the families that have already met their sons and daughters and may not be able to bring them home. Sitting here typing this I am crying for them... and for those babies and children that are in those overcrowded orphanages...

I am only comforted by the fact that in all of this God will shine through. He protects the fatherless. He is over all and He will prevail. He will never leave us.

I have no more words..............

Merry Christmas!

I'm working on Christmas blog posts, although I'm thinking about doing them for the traditional 12 Days of Christmas and that doesn't actually start until Christmas... maybe not... we'll see =o)

I also have some real things on my mind and I want to get them out there. I want to see what could happen with these thoughts...

You see, for some reason I'm feeling very pulled towards outward thinking. About people who need more than I do. I know that I've been referred to as a bit of a "bah humbug" when I say that I don't really want presents, but I don't really always feel like I need "things". I find myself more and more giving things away to Goodwill (although I'm thinking I might start using Salvation Army instead very soon...) and wanting to donate and give things to people who need them more than I do.

I suppose part of it is thinking more globally... Friends and I are making gifts for each other, but if we weren't I probably would have donated to an organization like Heifer International in their names... For others, my favorite place to shop is a store called Philanthropy, at least 10% of their profits (generally more) go back to organizations in TN and around the world; they also sell some products made my people in the Sudan or elsewhere to help them make a living.

I don't know what to do with this desire I have... I'm talking to a friend about having "parties", although really just get togethers with friends to raise money or canned goods or......... something.............

All that being said... I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas. That you enjoy celebrating the birth of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for the new life I have and that He gives me the desire to help others and bring them this wonderful news of eternity.

Pray for me... I think there's going to be a lot going on for me in 2013... 

Thanksgiving

I have no list this year... I didn't think about it long enough or soon enough.

I'm thankful for God and for my new church and dear friends... but this year I'm most thankful for getting to spend Thanksgiving with my parents!

Every other year my parents come to TN for Thanksgiving to see me and we cook and eat and stuff, but it's not about food.. it's about time spent with my parents. It's about hugs and laughter and helping them figure out things on their iPad; it's about playing Gin Rummy and Pinochle (competitively) and taking walks... but mostly it's about time.

I love my parents and I love that they love me so much they come here so I'm not without family every Thanksgiving.

I hope that you, blogging friends, are equally as blessed as I am.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sometimes I Wish

... I was home in Chicago
... I could hug my parents whenever I wanted
... I could be at all of my niece and nephews birthday parties
... I could read the kiddos stories instead of sending books with my recorded voice
... hair could grow long one day and be short the next
... I could have girls days with my SIL's
... weight would just drop off instead of being hard work
... I could pull all-nighters like I used to (not it takes days to get back to normal)
... I could hang out with the guys more than a couple of times a year
... I could get together time and monies to go to Iowa to visit my BF and her hubby and soon to be 2 kids

But I'm also thankful that my life isn't perfect, that I'm not all smiles and happiness all the time. That I have to fight for want I want of need or love. Because all of that together causes me to rely on God. I look to Him when I'm lonely and bummed, when I'm wishing to be home...

I know that God is not physically here, but I've definitely felt His arms around me.

I'm so thankful for the hard times.

Election

Today is Election Day in America. 2012. I hope you're informed. I hope you vote. I don't care who you vote for, but I hope you care. More importantly, I hope you're praying for whomever it is that ends up as the head of this country.

I normally spend the evening of the election glued to the tv watching pundits and color commentary about what is happening. I remember 8 years ago staying up until about 3 am waiting to see the outcome... maybe I'll so that tonight too... but I'll start much later than I usually do... my friend R and I are going to the Restored Theatre in Downtown Franklin, TN to watch Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. Frank Capra directing Jimmy Stewart (the same duo from It's a Wonderful Life) I'll tell you one thing... If Mr. Jefferson Smith was alive and running for office today, he'd have my vote.

Eight

Eight years and three presidential elections. That's how long I've been in TN. In that time, there are a few things that stand out.

1. I find myself having a bitter taste in my mouth whenever I see updates in social media. I'm glad you feel the way you do; I'm glad you've made intelligent reasoning behind your decision. I just wish you were less of a jerk when presenting your decision to the rest of the world. People's emotions are tied way too strongly to this election. Name calling is even more than 4 years ago and I wish I could hide under a rock until it was over. As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for the Frankenstorm I would be avoiding social networking sites altogether.

2. Voting is important! I've felt this way since before I could vote thanks to my favorite Social Studies teacher from Middle School. I still remember going to the election polling area in our school and learning about the process; and having a faux private poll in our class for president (Bill Clinton vs. George HW Bush vs. Ross Perot).

Since then and since I moved to TN, I've been to Boston and Faneuil Hall. There women met and had meetings and fought so I can vote. Somehow sitting in the same seats as those wonderful women of my history made the fact that I can vote become the fact that I should and will vote. Its a right that I wouldn't have had less than 100 years ago.

3. Everyone is early voting this year. I hope that means even more people are voting and I hope even more that those voting are informed about their choices. Since moving to TN, I have never waited more than 5 minutes in a polling line until Tuesday morning when I early voted. I thought I was good giving myself an extra 20 minutes to vote before work… I was 10 minutes late getting there (& I work 2 minutes from our election commission).

All that being said, the pastor of my former church blogged about His Presidential Predictions and I couldn't agree more. God already knows who will win the election and has since before the beginning of time. My trust is in Him & I pray even now for whomever will be in this place of authority in this country.

I Struggle

I struggle with how honest I can be here. How much I can share. How much I might hurt someone's feelings or make them angry or upset... What's the rule? Where's the line?

When do I stop trying to make people happy?

I feel like I've upset several people over the last month and my God-serving self is at war with my Humanity-serving self.

Do what the Holy Spirit is leading you to do, but don't upset anyone else while you're doing it.

Keep it quiet.

sssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......

They might get upset.....

Even now I'm fighting my desire to delete every single thing I've written so far. Maybe I won't even post this. Maybe I will........... *sigh*

I have struggled at my church for a while now... like a couple of years, not a couple of weeks... and due to some circumstances, I spent a few weekd focusing on God's will in my life fasting and praying and trying to seek His leading for my life.

I'm leaving that church. I've known for a couple of months, but wanted to be able to share with others so that no one found out here. It has nothing to do with anyone specifically, it's the Holy Spirit leading. At first I had no idea where I would go or where my future would be, but I learned more and more about the Harvest Nashville church plant. Harvest is the church I went to in the Chicagoland area and I'm blessed to say I'm a part of this core group of people launching in Nashville.

God is doing so much and desiring much for Nashville, it's almost palpable!! The more I'm able to be involved and the more I contribute, the more excited I get!

I apologize for hurt feelings, or anything taken other than intended, but I refuse to apologize for following the will of God in my life.

Labor Day

Plans? What are yours?

Grilling out and friends and family? tell me, tell me =o)

I have a list... it's numbered C =o)

1. Boot Camp- today was my first day back in 3 weeks! (check)
2. Sit with an ice pack on my back for a bit while watching Doctor Who and uploading CD's on the new laptop. (check, check, check)
3. Clean! Bedroom, bathroom...  (I'm blogging to avoid starting)
4. Shower and make myself "out with friends" cute.
5. Dinner with my Cousin and her boyfriend and a friend of theirs.
6. Home, veg out, sleep.....

And now that I've finished typing this... *sigh*... time to clean...

I'm Starting a Fund....

It's going to be called:

Massage Makes Joy's Back Feel AWESOME!

Who wants to donate? =oD

My back in still twingy... I'm still dealing with it through anti-inflammatories... and heating pads... and occasionally ice packs... but at the beginning fo the month before all of this craziness went down, I signed up for a 20 minute chair massage for today at work (because my company is awesome and it's pretty cheap).

I admit to being a little trepidatious as I walked across the street for the massage, but I had talked to my friend the massage therapist about my back when this all went down a couple of weeks ago, so I figured she'd understand if I needed to quit.

Didn't need to... as a matter of fact for the first time in almost 3 weeks I stood up and walked around like nothing was wrong!

By the time I got back to my desk things got a little bit slightly twingy again, but I'm feeling o-so-much better than I was a couple of hours ago.....

Who wants to donate? I think an hour a day until my back is all better sounds good ;o)

Going Through E-mails

I was scrolling through my email folders and stumbled across one I forgot about simply titled "worship". Curious, I opened it to find 1 email I had saved from November 2008. It seems that I had typed out and emailed myself songs that we sand in youth group...

This was one of my favorites:

     Messiah
     you are the giver of life
     you are the river running deep in my soul
     my desire
     fill me til I overflow

     each morning you're the brightest
     star shining in the highest
     heaven above -- creator of all I see
     and you love me

     each noonday youre the cool breeze
     that whispers through the shade trees
     touching my face -- your grace like a melody
     refreshes me

     each evening youre the sunset
     that paints a dark shilouette
     stroke of a brush -- a hush and the world lies still
     a quite thrill

Wordless Wednesday