Hazy shade of Winter

*YAWN*

That’s how I feel lately, blogging friends… sleepy… can you relate? I don’t know if it’s the dreariness of the hazy shade of winter we’re living in or my still adjusting to my new work hours or God trying to put me through a spiritual growth spurt, but I want to spend more time sleeping than normal. The funny thing is, is that I have so much I want to do and need to do that I end up staying up too late and sleeping in too late and while I’m still on time to work, I cut it close sometimes…

I was e-mailing with my former roommate A recently and it prompted me to blog and after typing part of the way into my first paragraph, I decided on this blog title and it prompted me to look at the lyrics for the song it’s from (do you love my train of thought so far? Ha!) and I was stunned by the lyrics I could sing along with, but not off the top of my head:

Time, time, time, see what's become of me

While I looked around

For my possibilities

I was so hard to please

But look around, leaves are brown

And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

(Hazy Shade of Winter- Simon & Garfunkel)

I love when lyrics hit home (even when it’s not in a good way). I admit to being someone of a music geek. Not to the extent of some of my friends who can tell me facts about artists or songs (while I can certainly do that with some) but still, I love music. I love that God created music and that he gave it to us to enjoy and to praise Him with.

See what’s become of me, while I look around, for my possibilities.

I’ve been doing better with this since I blogged about it last time. Since the lyrics on my friend G’s blog hit my like a 2x4. But still it’s something I struggle with and I wonder if more people don’t since there are so many song lyrics about life passing us by while we wait for it to happen? Surely I’m not alone in this even though at times I feel very much alone.

Ooo… I’ve come full circle in my own thought process! Sweet! (for those of you who haven’t spent face to face time with me… welcome to what I’m like. Haha!)

Feeling very much alone. This is something I have been feeling at times lately. Not always, but still, it’s there. But it’s not just a ‘I should call friends and make plans’ kind of lonely… no… it’s deeper. And whenever it happens, I hear God saying “am I really enough for you, dear one?” He is my Creator, Sustainer, the Maker of all things and He is who I rely on most of the time. Most? That’s not enough. I know that where I am now in my life I can rely on Christ. I live by myself and majority of the time, God is the only one I have to talk to without picking up a phone; and let’s be honest, now that my job entails answering phones so much, I don’t want to talk on one afterwards. But is that true reliance? I can’t help but wonder in those times… in the lonely times… if I really rely on God in a way that will carry through my life even after, no, especially after I’m married and have kids… Which I’ve blogged about desiring before.

Sometimes I hold that back, too. I realized that last night when R and I were talking while she was helping me bake. She is one of my best friends and she made me realize that I never ever talk about wanting to get married. And I don’t… I know that. I think a big part of that is that I don’t want to be ‘that girl’. The single girl in her 30’s who doesn’t talk about anything else? Her. She can drive me nuts and I don’t want to do that to other people!! It would be mean! ;o) But I want to be transparent… maybe not completely on here, but with friends? Definitely. Especially best friends. She and I have known each other for about 2.5 years and she said she can’t remember ever having a conversation with me about my desire for marriage in my future…

Don’t read this and think that I’m lonely and need a husband or more friends or need to be closer to family… while those are fun options, it’s really just another part of that spiritual growth that makes me sleepy (just like a kids physical growth does). I really just want to use all of these feelings and emotions to grow closer to God.

And I really don’t want to be the girl defined by her desire to get married.

I want to stand out for who I am, not who I want to be.