Thursday, June 14, 2007

Sweet Home Chicago


In case you can’t tell, I’ve very excited about this! I haven’t seen my parents, brothers (I have 2), sisters-in law (also 2!), and the kiddos (you guessed it… 2) since Christmas! I haven’t actually even met my nephew yet, and he’s 6 months old already! The thing is, as excited as I am, I’ll be ready to get back to Tennessee by the end of my four days home.

I will always love Chicago. It will always be a fantastic place to visit. But Tennessee holds my friends, my church, my job. It holds my life. At least right now it does. I feel that it was God that led me here to live, and that’s what I’m doing. But I know that as quickly as He said “Move to Tennessee” He can tell me to move somewhere else. Not that I’m planning on moving!!!

And the funny thing is, when I go back… it almost feels strange being there. Even just within my family, I’m sort of the stranger. My nephew will be 6 months old and he’s never seen me. My niece will be 2 in August, and I’ve only seen her five or six times. And I hate it. I love my family. They are the most important thing in my life after my faith (who would I be without my Savior?). I wish, sometimes that things could be different. That I’d be able to spend more of my life and my time with my family, and then I go home and feel like a stranger in what was once my life.

When I’m here. When I’m in Tennessee. It’s an effort to even talk to a family member that isn’t one of my parents. It’s either I make contact in some way with my brothers, or I don’t talk to them at all. So half of the time I think of them here, I’m either annoyed or sad. I’m either missing them, or wishing they’d make some sort of an effort to pretend they want to keep in touch with me. And I know they ask my parents how I’m doing. And I know they care. I just wish I knew it in a way that wasn’t entirely mental.

I know I’m where I’m supposed to be and I know this is God’s will for my life. But I wish sometimes I knew why. And I know we’re not supposed to question His authority, but sometimes I wonder about His decisions. I waver often between trusting Him with my life and taking control over it. He is ultimately in charge and I tend to really screw things up whenever I take charge on my own… but for some reason, I can never quite stop trying…

So, I’m going home this weekend. Is it weird that I find myself both excitedly nervous and apprehensive all at the same time?

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