The 12 Opossums

I got this silly forward today, and I just had to share! It 'supposedly' was originally from some lady in Oregon, but you never know with these things. No matter what, it made me chuckle and I wanted you all in blogland to get a good laugh, too =o)

The story is that the Oregon lady teaches the kids in church and at the end of the year has them write about what they learned. It started as the whole Bible, but I edited it for the funniest parts (trust me, it was longer!)

Here Goes
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Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy in Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. Buy my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.