Missing Them

I called home on Thursday.

On Thanksgiving.

I talked to my family… to my mom, dad, brothers (B and K)… to my SIL S and to my niece C…

I made it through talking to S, my dad and C… I held on as best I could while talking to B and struggled as I talked to K… but hearing my brothers talking about my each other's kids, well, it kind of broke my heart.

I want to be there. Home. At least for the holidays. I want to be there for Easter and Thanksgiving and Christmas. I want to be there for my niece and nephew's birthday parties. I want to be there for dance recitals and future little league games. I want to be able to babysit for them and to be able to get to know them. I don't like being the aunt they see two or three times a year. I want to be in their lives.

Needless to say my mom heard them in my voice. The tears that threatened to spill. The tears that threaten to spill now as I'm typing this out.

I love Tennessee.

But sometimes it stinks.