Monday, July 19, 2010

Direction (a.k.a. This Might Be the Hardest Blog I’ve Ever Written)

I like this blog a lot. I like blogging a lot. I’m sure you can tell that. I don’t think someone can dislike blogging and have 266 blog posts; let alone start a second blog!!

I'm guessing if you’ve read Shades of Gray for a while, you’ve noticed the ebb and flow of me. The way I sometimes allow the faith side of me to show while other times (like the last few months) I don’t. I think those are the times this blog becomes more about what I’ve done than about who I am.

I think you should know, my dear blog friends, that in truth, this blog really is a reflection of me. Of where I am in my life. When I want my life to be about what I’m doing, not who I am. Those times, periods, where I don’t speak about God, about what He is in my life are generally times that I (like a petulant 5 year old) am being stubborn. The times I try to tell God what I want or where I want to be or what I want my life to look like. The times that I am angry or sad and I just want nothing to do with Him. Even in all that He has done for me, I still rebel (more often than I even want to think about).

That is where I have been lately. That’s been me. Like I’m 5.

I think if I had to sum up my testimony in 3 words it would be: God is faithful. He really is, you know. For all the times I strayed, for all the times I fought back, for all of the lukewarm moments I’ve had in my life as a Christian, God was right there nudging me and guiding me (like the little lost sheep I was/am) right back into His arms again. I don't deserve this, so please don't think I'm starting a self-righteous blog post. I have a shirt that says simply, "I am the wretch the song refers to." It is true. I am the least likely person God should want.

My pastor has been doing a sermon series this summer about the doctrine of our faith. And two Sunday's ago, it was entitled We Believe... God Seeks. You can (should) listen to it here. I mean really you should listen to all of them. You can download them on podcast on iTunes, too, but I digress. God Seeks. I truly believe God has been seeking me. He knows that I have been trying to runaway, and He wants to show me how much He loves me. I am His adopted daughter. And if you listen to Pastor Mike's sermon, you'll hear this truth from him...

The only thing that makes us adoptable is the love of the adoptive parents.

God loves me/you/everybody so much that He welcomes us (sometimes time and time again) into a place where He will care for us. Where He will heal our wounds and fears. He will take our hardened and unclean hearts and make them white as snow. There is nothing we can do to make Him want us, but still He has wanted us since before we were born...

I'm praying for me, and you dear blog readers. I hope that whatever God wants me to say on here, I'll say. And I hope He uses me to bless you.

There's so much more I should say, want to say, need to say; but I'm still processing myself.


Anonymous said...

I'm just one person, but I wanted to tell you that you must have said something right because I feel the exact same way as you do, here. And maybe I just need to go back to God, and that is just really the answer to all my questions about "What am I doing with my life?" Thank you.

Joy said...

I'll be praying for you...